Funny Qoutes Top 200

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Hesiod

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
Jay London

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns

I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Angie Dickinson

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith

Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Alanis Morissette

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

You're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Kevin James

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis Miller

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright


Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase


I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Johnny Vegas

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Rod Schmidt

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra



I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg


Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

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